Monday, August 2, 2004

The “Evangelical Put-Down” Show!

(Enthusiastic applause)

Announcer: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another half hour edition of Evangelical Put-Down! The game of Christian one-up-man-ship where you can gain points and prizes for coming up with a creative, catchy way of putting non-Christians in their place! And now, here's the host of Evangelical Put-Down, Anne Noying!

(Wildly enthusiastic cheers)

Anne: Thanks everyone, and welcome to our show. Tonight, our contestants will once again try to come up with a catchy way of putting non-Christians in their place. But remember, not only must this catchy phrase please the Christian doctrinal content quotient, it must also leave the non-Christian confused! Ready? Here’s our Pagan, and more important, here’s our first Contestant!


Pagan: Uh, hey, man, how about doing some drugs after school?

Contestant #1: No way! Why do you think they call it ‘dope’?

(Scattered applause from Christian audience)

Anne: Oh, no, I’m sorry, Contestant #1, but that’s just not the quality we
re looking for. The expression has already been done, by secular sources (murmurs of disapproval from Christian audience), and it makes too much sense to the Pagan. We have some nice consolation prizes for you. Let’s bring out Contestant #2!

(More applause)

Pagan: Uh, I really believe that we all evolved from lesser life forms. I think evolution explains man’s origins.

Contestant #2: Hey, if you want to think your grandpa was a monkey, that’s your problem!

(Enthusiastic applause from Christian audience)

Anne: Wow! Snappy comeback, Contestant #2! You really answered our Pagan on the issue of evolution! He looks properly confused! And the Christians love the put-down! Uh-oh, wait a minute...

I’m sorry, Contestant #2, but our panel of judges say that you won’t gain doctrinal content points unless you throw in some Scripture or up the “J-count.” But a good effort, nonetheless! Let’s bring out Contestant #3!

(More applause)

Pagan: Wait, lemme get a good one...

Anne: Hurry up, you dumb reprobate, we haven’t got all day!

(Boos and catcalls from Christian audience)

Pagan: Oh, yeah, I’ve got one! Hey, ya Jesus Freak, I think you're just a victim of brainwashing! Ya can’t be intelligent and Christian at the same time!

Contestant #3: Well, I may be a Jesus freak, but then again, whose freak are you?

Pagan: Huh?

(Wild applause and cheers from Christian audience)

Anne: Whoa! What a great put-down! Ladies and gentlemen, did you hear it? Pithy. Direct. Spiritual! Yes, and it looks like our judges are favorably impressed. Yes, the answer has adequate spiritual content, it confused the Pagan completely, and it was a big hit with our Christian audience! We have a winner! Congratulations, Contestant #3!

Contestant #3: Aw, shucks, ‘tweren’t nothing!

Anne: I bet you have a great time relating your faith to those around you with a sharp mind like yours!

Contestant #3: Yep, witnessing is my business!

Anne: Well, that’s about all the time we have for today, folks! Make sure you join us again next week for another edition of Evangelical Put-Down!

(Wild applause and fade...)