Tuesday, March 4, 2014

A Canadian Fable: #wearewinter

Once upon a time, Canada was in an existential funk, pondering endlessly about her national identity.

Compounding the problem was the imminent arrival of the 2014 Winter Olympics, and the pressure Canada was getting from all of her sport-endowed people.


Suddenly, in a burst of revelatory inspiration, Canada had her "eureka!" moment. She decided to embrace, proudly and defiantly, that season which Canadians are by far the most familiar with: winter.


And thus was the spirit of #wearewinter invoked by an unsuspecting nation.



But little did Canada realize what she had unleashed upon herself and her people. For #wearewinter turned out to be the cruel and capricious sort...

The temperatures were colder, the cold lasted longer, and Canadians nation-wide tried to yell "Uncle!". But #wearewinter plugged its ears and pretended not to hear.



In a rare show of sportsmanship, even the local wolves pitched in and did what they could to ease the suffering of the Canadian people.

But #wearewinter said
(in a weather sort of way): "talk to the hand".
As the frigid torment dragged on and on and on, Canadians began to ask themselves that age-old existential question: "Why am I here?"

Laughing its cruel and frosty laugh, #wearewinter responded by pummeling Canadians even more harshly and heartlessly than before.

Fearing for their sanity and their frost-bitten extremities, some Canadians attempted to flee to Vancouver, if only for a weekend of respite. But the ever-vigilant and vindictive #wearewinter promptly buried the Coquihalla Highway under an avalanche, cutting off their escape route.


Panic-stricken, Canadians desperately sought to break the curse of the Abomination of Arctic Desolation, trying everything from what they mistakenly thought were "sun dances", to invoking the Benevolent Entities of the Internet. But alas, it was all for naught...


It was only when the Canadians triumphed and won the Gold Medal in Curling (men's & women's), and the coveted Gold Medal in Hockey (men's & women's) that the ice-cold malevolent power of #wearewinter was finally broken, whereupon Canadians coast-to-coast dealt the frosty and capricious entity its death blow. Repeatedly and with gleeful abandon.


Thus was Canada made free once more, to embrace with open arms the coming season of pulling dandelions in the scorching sun, staggering in heat exhaustion while mowing the lawn, and enduring endless traffic jams in sweltering cars with dysfunctional A/C.

And then, they will naively utter the fateful words, "Can't wait for winter, eh?"

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